seeing your skin

[machinery]

you - still amazing
but --
not as much
with his arm around your waist.
your skin - used
to be the meadows I fell asleep in.
now
you are just mountains far off in the distance.
that I
am not able to see well enough
to climb.


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[ranter]

i was skeptical going in to read this, but i liked the meadow/mountain metaphor, even though that was good ithik there is a lot of room to expand on this one though, build it up a little better theres a lots to add

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[machinery]

yass, agreed...just summin that arose out of my mental toaster while cleaning off the evening in the morning water....i do want to add....maybe some side thoughts and some excellent descriptions...ah yes or bah no?

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[Pixelina]

maybe more words about her, her appearence and corralations of that to other things, could stick w/the nature theme...? but then again, maybe no, just a thought

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[Hannibal]

I like it just fine. And in all truth I see no need to add to it, or take from it. It's short, sweet, and does what it's supposed to do and that is tell something. I think this poem really rocks. Leave it alone.

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To hate is to show you still care, who needs that? Focus on what's really important.
The best revenge, is to survive yourself.

[parch]

I agree w/ Hannible. I like the meadow/moutain comparrison. if you did anything, I'd just say to fine tune it.. don't do anything big cause I'm seeing it nicely now. as to her appearance: - Not trying to argue here Pix, but RP write's a lot about this it seems and we get a whole lot of very descriptive appearance stuff so this time it's nice to see something else.

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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision